Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Am I ready . . . don't know but here I go.

Lots of people say I have a story to write . . . that I can help people. I think that is arrogant personally . . . who am I to help anyone? If God chooses to use me to help someone that is such a blessing, and more then I could ever expect or want . . . but I have felt this pull to tell my story in a real and unfettered way for a long time. The problem is two fold . . . firstly I still feel that the chapter I need to tell first is still finding its way to ending, not yet moving on to the next one. The second is who might get hurt by the honest things I have to say . . . myself not withstanding, if I decide to take this on I have to expose my heart which means exposing others who exist there . . . there will be consequences I am unsure I am really ready to deal with. Those that I am certain that others are not prepared to deal with. How does one do that? How do I find the way to give what God wants me to, to write with no barriers and not ache at the pain I will inevitability cause?

My story starts here tonight . . . self exploration, stepping out in faith, and hopefully achieving the goal I have set . . . which will evolve into something new and different with each new truth.

My story should start with God, the very reason I can breathe, and though I know now it all begins and ends with Him, I think this story will begin with another him. Jason. Because, as far as I can tell, this story is, in large part about relationship, kindred spirits and soulmates.

*Sidebar . . . for me a soulmate may not be forever . . . well scratch that, a soulmate is a person who you blend with so completely, maybe forever or maybe just for a season, but who exist in your soul forever. They make you the person you are . . . and if you are luck enough to meet these people in your life they continue to change your very being.*

Jason. One of the first people I consider to be a soulmate. He was love personified. I know that from the first time he made me laugh I loved him. And yet so much pain is woven into our story. Pain so interwoven into this relationship you cannot separate it. Without it there would be no relationship, no epic love, no soulmate. But I guess that is how these things go . . . they burn so bright and so strong and so fast, like a supernova. But they do burn . . . and it scars. Jason. From the moment I met him, at 15 years old, though I didn't know it then, I would be changed forever. That was one of those moments in life that cause it to turn, that is so fundamentally responsible for how it takes shape, for who you become. Its a game changer. A moment so insignificant really that turns out to be the beginning of this story.

Brokenhearted we took solace in each other.
Strong for each other sadness became a catalyst
for what had already been and what was to come.
Joy from such pain.
Pain from such joy.
Could we have known what we were doing?
In our wildest dreams, before that day did you believe all this would happen?
Love born from death. So haunting.
And yet there is understanding there.
Souls already intertwined, bound by the youngest of love.
It grew from there, it flourished in spite of the odds, and though never gone
it changed as we grew away from our beginning.
Was any of it the right thing?
Such amazing love. How could it have ever been wrong?
Brokenhearted we walked away from each other.
Never truly done, no closure truly found, not for me. Not for you.
I believe I walked away in fear. I believe you walked in anger.
I believe we still walk in these things. Promises made shattered.
What were we thinking? What are we still thinking?
Broken hearts still healing, soulmates still connected.
I feel you.

Listening to: "Blessed Be Your Name
                         by Matt Redman

"The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise."
~Psalm 51:17