Over The Rainbow.

Awake, wide awake at 4am . . . not good for me, I should be asleep . . . this is something I have wanted to correct. . . something to work on once I got home, its not that I am sleeping 18+ hours a day, but my sleep schedule is still all backwards . . . and to top things off, I am not sleeping well when I try to sleep . . . tonight I am listening to music and writing to try and wind down, but so far to no avail. I have decided to post my latest poem here . . . its just words, sort of a conglomeration of what I and a lot of the women that I met in rehab went through, decisions they had to make, to stay or move on . . . to remain in Kansas or to go over the rainbow, to the unknown, which looks pretty, but doesn't always work out that way. 

You know you think that you enter rehab to get clean, not just your body but also your mind . . . but what I have found is that when the fog clears the real stuff becomes visible. You can finally see that big pickup whose ass you've been riding through the fog, not quite rear-ending it, but almost . . . and then BAM! with out warning or even knowing it was there . . . you hit it. The fog clears and its hello Chevy (or whatever kind of Pickup floats your boat!!!). Its pretty scary. All of a sudden you are tossed into your life, only now you have no idea how to deal. I didn't get the insurance and you know that the other guy (family, friends, job or whatever you are dealing with) is just dying to call 5-O to give you a ticket, cause he was pissed when you started tailing him 20 miles ago in the fog. So now that you've run right into him, you can't avoid him, all you can do is apologies to him, pay the fine, pay the damages and try to work things out from there. 

That is how it feels like being on the other side of this rehab thing. Its been 4+ years and I have been riding on the tail and my family's and friend's last nerves for a long time . . . and now the gloves are off, and without the fog of meds I can see, feel, hear everything. Its not great. No one prepared me for all this . . . no one said, Jennifer this next phase of your recovery is called "The Collision." Here is how to handle the actual collision part. Sure I got all kinds of advice on how to cope, pray, take a walk, read, breathe, go to a meeting, call your sponsor, ect . . . but when you are in the middle of a huge collision with someone you love, that's not really possible . . . it takes hours to get to a place, after a big crash and, sometimes, burn, when I can finally do most of those things . . . except pray . . . I can always pray. I know that God is always with me through these things, otherwise a collision could turn into a fatal accident . . . He is my covering and protection.

I guess that is all I have for tonight, I am going to post that poem and close with that. Keep your eyes open, and if you do crash, hang on to God and start saying your sorry . . . not much else you can do in the end.

Godspeed,

JenY

The door slams, the girl cries
Once again only the thought
Of running consumes her mind.

She's had it with these mind games
If things go on this way she fears
Everything she worked so hard for
Will vanish, just disappear in a
Cloud of indignation and flames.

All the choices she could make
Flicker past her eyes, frame by frame
One scene brightly colored
He tosses a little girl highly
in the air, she laughs.

The next scene almost faded
Virtually void of any color at all
She sits on the beach,
A white flower in her hair

Someone kisses her neck
He rubs lotion on her back
She cannot see the man that's there
The man who put the flower in her hair

So many questions in her mind
To choose the road that's safe
Or the unknown path
And see what she might find.

Safety or Possibility
Wrong or RIght
Passion or Reality
Love or Misery

A life planned just so
or excitement, over the rainbow.

To Begin With . . .

It's very late and I should be sleeping, but I have this great urge to write and get my thoughts down. So I'll begin with the title, or better yet, I should begin with breaking down what the title means exactly. Erratic is just another way of saying random or sort of all over the place, and that is how my writing is, when I write this way, no plan, no path, no planned story . . . just words, ideas from my mind on the page, musings if you will.

Now, you'll come to see that I am a Christian, and as a Christian I believe that we are all lost, and that we are only saved, only found by finding salvation in Jesus Christ. So that is one way that I am a Woman Lost. However, I am lost right now in a great deal many other ways. I hope by exploring my issues on this blog, I can find my way back to The Lord, myself, and maybe even to the ones who love me. I realize this is a tall order for a simple blog, I truly do . . . but that is where I hope that the readers, if there are any, come in and will help me by leaving comments and suggestions, questions, concerns, ect . . . to help me understand who I am. We are only as strong as we are together, don't you agree? So there are no secrets on here, except the ones I am keeping from myself, otherwise how would I expect you to help me? Only the truth as best as I can give you.

Good Luck and Godspeed,

Jennifer